And I’m not talking about the Jesus Jones’ song “Right Here, Right Now,” although it is a great one.
What does the statement, Right Here, Right Now, solicit from you? For me it is a constant and challenging but necessary practice. It is my only constant. Nine years ago, I was a perfectly happy and normal thinking person. However normal, normal is being self-defined, but normal isn’t what I want to talk about. My journey in learning to live in the NOW has been difficult to say the least. I went from being this “normal” person to an anxiety riddled human being. I went from a person who had seen 22 states in two months on a road trip, to agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house). I went from helping people overcome their personal hurdles to a person who was questioning my own sanity in a puddle of tears and angst on the floor.
A switch had been flipped and when I say flipped it shorted out the entire circuit breaker. It was absolutely the scariest feeling I had ever had. I had never had a panic attack (well one but I didn’t know that at the time because it was attached to grief and exhaustion) but never really understood what or how they felt. I was flipping though, I could go out and leave the grocery cart in the aisle because my brain would just start screaming at me to “GET OUT, GO HOME!” I would be out somewhere and all of the sudden a cold sweat would come over me, my heart would start racing, a white-hot heat would sizzle through my spine and I would turn the car around and go home or run for my life to the nearest exit. I would roam around in my head worrying myself into insomnia over something that I was set to do a month from that moment. I started to not put make-up on because that was a trigger to my brain; it meant I might be going somewhere and I would be sick before I finished applying blush. I was nauseated all the time, I could barely eat, I could barely cope. I asked my mom one day if I was going crazy and she said, “crazy-people don’t ask if they are crazy.” That made me feel better because at least I was somewhat self-aware. The switch had been flipped by the birth control pill. I will tell you, that I have heard this same story a multitude of times since this occurred with me.
The solution was in me and only me, there was no one that could fix me but me. I had to do what I had always done, pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. I have done this so many times in my life that I’m a pro…or one would think. I had a couple of sessions with a hypnotherapist to reset my switch. He said to me at the end of one my sessions, “one day you will be out and about and free of anxiety and you will realize that you are over it.” That day has happened several times. We have made really big deals, in my family, over little tiny things to make that step I took something my brain recognizes as awesome and worthy of repeating.
It didn’t happen overnight, it took many tools, and rituals, and mantras, and dedication to choosing a path where LIFE was more important than these damned unreasonable fears.
Here is what helped me change: The Power of Now
I read that book like I was eating fine chocolate. It was delicious and it spoke to me in such a way that my brain started listening and recognizing how I could help the runaway train.
Now, this here moment, is all I have that is tangible and real and the truth. Thinking of the past creates depression. Jumping into the future and worrying, creates anxiety. Living in this moment, right NOW, creates harmony and calm and awareness.
Am I perfect at it… ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have to chose it every day; even sometimes every moment. I have entire days and weeks where I completely forget to stay in the NOW. This concept is so very much a part of my existence I had the Japanese Kanji for ‘Here, Now’ tattooed on my leg. That is what that symbol on my logo is. NOW!
I pulled myself up out of that puddle of tears and angst with one WORD! NOW! No drugs and no doctors.
Was it easy? Nope!
Do I still have issues? Yes!
Am I completely my old self again? NOPE! I’m guessing I never will be, but then who is?
Part of living in the NOW is accepting the moment for what it is free from judgment. I judge myself for my misgivings and failings more than anyone else possibly could. I have to shut that voice up often.
I have learned through all of this, I have to celebrate every moment where I chose living versus the fear.
I have scars from it, but I prefer not to focus on those. Just deal with the pain when they start tingling and move on into the next moment that is NOW.
The beauty of NOW is you get a new one every second.
Know is just NOW with a K.
Own is ‘now’ rearranged.
And so is WON!
empOWermeNt! It happens in the NOW.